Podcast transcript:
Parenting Pitfalls and Practical Solutions with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart
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Candace Dellacona: Welcome back, survivors. Today's episode is all about parenting teens for every parent who has ever wondered if they're getting it right, the challenges, the conflicts, the connection, and how to show up for your kids
Welcome and Guest Intro
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Candace Dellacona: Welcome to the Sandwich Generation Survival Guide. I am your host, Candace Dellacona, and I am thrilled today to welcome our guest. And as I just said to her, it's gonna be a long intro, guys, because we are incredibly lucky to have Dr. Anne-Louise Lockhart, who is first and foremost a parent. She is a pediatric psychologist. She is a parent coach. She is the founder of a practice called A New Day Pediatric Psychology. And why Dr. Lockhart is joining us today is because she's also an author and her book Love the Teen You Have: A Practical Guide to Transforming Conflict Into Connection is out and it is excellent. So I am so happy that Dr. Lockhart is taking time out of her day to talk to me and share information with all of us out there about parenting. Welcome Dr. Lockhart.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Thank you Candace. Thanks for such a beautiful introduction
Candace Dellacona: Oh my gosh. It is my pleasure. I wanna set the stage for our listeners here and, share some information about you. I don't want you to blush or feel embarrassed, but you have some amazing sort of exposure here with this book. Your insights have been shared. In fact, where I saw you was on CBS Mornings with the crew Gayle and Nate and Tony at the time, and I was really intrigued by your book. Your insights have been featured also on the Today Show, I think PBS, I think I saw something on ABC, and you've been in, in The Times.
What impresses me so much is your ability to talk about what we're all dealing with as parents in a clinical way and a practical way. 'Cause you're a mom.
Meet Dr Lockhart
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Candace Dellacona: So let's get started and talk a little bit about who you are, Dr. Lockhart, and then I wanna talk about the book and you can share your wisdom with us.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yeah, absolutely. I've been living in San Antonio for 20 years now. I've been married for 27 years, and I have a 15-year-old daughter and a 13-year-old son. And I'm originally from the Caribbean, so I was born and raised in the United States Virgin Islands, and most of my family is still there. And so yeah, I just, it's been a really cool experience going through this whole process of going from the Caribbean, coming to the states, raising children here and just feeling like I'm getting a different, giving them a very different cultural experience and family experience than I was raised with.
So I really love the perspective of the show as well too, because I speak to a lot of parents in parent coaching about being sandwiched and raising kids while they're taking care of aging parents as well too. So it's, this is just a really great fit.
Candace Dellacona: First of all, I love that. I noticed in your book one of the dedications was not only to your own mom and your husband and your kids, but also to the parents and caregivers out there. As you know, near and dear to my heart, and I too am a parent of I think you'd call them in your book, you define them as adolescents and then young adults. So thank you for that. That those words and those identities that I can frame a little easier now. Let's talk about your incredible book. I think one of the things that struck me that I think is incredibly helpful is what you sought out to do was create a blueprint for those of us to get a better understanding of our teens and how we parent, how we reply. You brought up the cultural issue, which I wanna talk about too.
One, I think as a parent. As a sandwich person, I really loved the fact that you defined the, middle children, young teens, tweens, and adolescents. So can you talk a little bit about setting the stage and why that's so important that we understand where our kids are coming from and what their abilities are before we even start getting your sage advice?
Why Development Matters
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Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yeah, absolutely. I start my book with really talking about adolescent development and that may seem really dull. But it's also, it's very important because many of the parents that I work with and I speak to and when I'm speaking and interviewing, that's foundational. Because if you don't even understand what a tween is going through from nine to 12 versus early teens, 12 to 14, then 15 to 18 young adults going off to college, 18 to 19, 21. Like they're going through different cognitive, social, physical, emotional stages. And what I have often found is when parents are reaching out for help and they think their teen, there's something wrong with them that needs to be fixed. There's nothing wrong. They're just going through a developmental stage that the parent hasn't adapted to. And so they're used to having this little button of a little child who worshiped them and thought that they were amazing and always wanted to talk to them about everything. And now they have this preteen maybe who's getting moody and is hormonal and prefers to be on their screens or around their friends. And it may not mean that they're depressed, it might mean that they're just hitting a different developmental stage and parents haven't shifted to that developmental stage.
So that is really the blueprint as you call it, and which I think is beautiful. And that's exactly my thinking, is having a foundation so that, you know, with everything that I talk about in talking to parents, that you have that as that foundational knowledge. So now, you know this is how you should approach when they're struggling with anxiety or curfew or friends or dating or whatever it is, knowing where they're coming from.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah, those topics are such sort of hot button topics. Every single one of them has come up in my own parenting journey, and I'm sure our listeners too so for those of our listeners and those in the sandwich who are dealing with the middle children, the beginning of the tweens, as a parent coach, Dr. Lockhart, what do you see as sort of like a common thread that most parents are dealing with when your child enters into this new phase of life?
Individuation and Identity
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Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Well, I think a big part of it is the individuation, which I talk a lot about. And the individuation is them finding their identity separate from their family caregiver unit that they grew up in. And parents are often blindsided by this because they think if they raise their kids with certain values and ideas and beliefs and the way of eating and dressing and speaking and that they're just gonna keep growing that way. That they're gonna just believe and feel and agree with everything that you do, and a big part of development and growing into a mature individual is individuating becoming your own person that maybe they don't wanna do the career that you thought that they should or take over the family business, or maybe you're meat eaters and they're a vegetarian. Like all these things that you see as this kid who's becoming their own person. And a lot of parents struggle with that because they think sometimes they get offended by it or they they feel embarrassed by it or they're confused by it. And that's where that push pull tends to come in the parent teen relationship because they're fighting this identity that their teen is having that they don't really like or agree with.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah, I think I've heard it framed as almost like an affront to your parenting, right? Where this sort of feeling or a phase that what you have provided in some way is being rejected. So as a parent coach, what is your best advice for the parents who feel that sort of white knuckle and almost, like reflex to push back on that. How do you help parents who are entering into that phase, allow them to become the individuals and have their own agency?
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yeah.
Grieving Expectations
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Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: I love that question because the biggest thing that I really talk to them about is grieving. Grieving that individual, that child, that person that you thought you were going to have. That because many parents, they have a vision. They have a kind of a vision board of who they think their kid's gonna be, the top of the class or the star athlete or hyper super social or who they're gonna date the way they dress. All kinds of stuff like we have in our mind. Many times some image of our kid, and it's made up because it's not based on maybe who they are. Maybe they're becoming something different and maybe they're rebelling because you are holding them to this standard that they don't wanna hold anymore or they never did. And so the grieving process is the huge part. Realizing that you have this individual who is very different than you had imagined. And that can be, that could be like a gut punch for a lot of parents.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah, I think grief is the right word. Even beyond thinking about who you thought your child was going to be, perhaps knowing that phase is over can also be a sad process depending on where the parent is in their own life.
Lead Yourself First
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Candace Dellacona: Which, leads me to, you have an entire chapter, which I loved on what our response is and how we have to lead the pack. In that, I hear friends all the time and other guests have talked about our kids are rolling their eyes or being rude and I think as a parent, many of us who are not as evolved as you maybe or haven't received your parenting coaching expertise. I think our knee-jerk reaction can sometimes be trying to fix their behavior rather than taking a breath and thinking about our reaction to their behavior. So fill us in on that and why that piece is so important where we have to like, get ourselves straight first.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yeah. I love that you asked that question because I think people assume that when you know better, you always do better, and that's not necessarily the case. And that although I know this stuff, I've written about this stuff, coach on this stuff, teach this stuff, parenting doesn't make sense sometimes.
So the thing that I know to do, I don't always do either. The thing that separates me, maybe from another parent who may not know the stuff that I know. It's just that I know when I've really messed up. I'm super aware of it because I'm doing this stuff all the time and I'm like, dang it. Why did I say it that way? Why did I do that?
Candace Dellacona: Well that makes me feel better though. Dr. Lockhart, that makes me feel better because even the expert who teaches this stuff, who coaches, we all screw up, right? As parents.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Of course. 'cause we're human and we're not perfect and we shouldn't aspire to be perfect and I don't aspire to be perfect and I don't claim to always have it right. Even when I'm teaching and I'm coaching parents, I'm very transparent about the fact that I have kids that struggle at times. I struggle at times. My husband and I, sometimes we struggle with oh my gosh, this is like, this sucks. Like parenting sucks. It's not fun all the time. It's not fun.
And so I think parents need to give themselves more of a break and give themselves more compassion and give their teens more grace because it is harder. There's so many more, we know more than we've ever known in this information digital age, so parents are acutely aware when they mess up because of podcasts and blogs and books and seminars and webinars and summits like we are bombarded by parenting information. No other generation has had it the way we've had it. So people are so much aware of, I have so many people reaching out to me who've done all the things. They know all the language, they know all the things they're supposed to do, and yet they still feel like they're failing. So having more information is not the key to doing parenting better. That's not the solution to it.
And that's why I write so much about connection because. You can read all you want, learn all you want. But if you don't have a true connection with your teenager it won't matter what you know.
Candace Dellacona: Absolutely true.
Modern Parenting Overload
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Candace Dellacona: What do you think the driver, though Dr. Lockhart is behind all of the sort of new information that it's available to us? What's the difference between, let's say, our generation as contemporaries and perhaps the way our parents parented us?
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Well, I mean, a big part of it is before people just parented, like you just had a kid. And you just raised them, fed them, made sure they stayed alive. Like you didn't, there wasn't really Right, right. There wasn't much to it. Like I'm from Gen X and we were a largely unsupervised generation. We were left to fend for ourselves. I think we are very hardy because we had to fend for ourselves. That wasn't always a good thing. And the boomers still a silent generation, like all these generations before even millennials started this. Things started shifting. Again, shifting in terms of more parenting information, but I think a lot of parents, they realize how they were parented. As kids and they don't want that. They didn't want, they don't want that for their kids. So then we have this pendulum in terms of like super hands off, latchkey kids hope you survive. And we're like, oh, I'm never gonna be that way. I'm gonna make sure my kid knows that they're loved and they're cared for and I'm gonna supervise everything they do. I'm gonna low LoJack their car and know where they are every time.
Candace Dellacona: Life 360.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: And so now we've swung the pendulum all the way to the other end where we're over parenting, I believe, in many cases. And we're super always available all the time. Even my kids had asked me like, because you didn't have cell phones when you were growing up. Like how did people reach you? If they wanna reach you. And I was like, well, they call the house and what if you weren't there? I'm like, well they just kept calling 'cause we didn't even have an answer machine. So like you weren't accessible, there wasn't always this you need to be reached all the time.
And so I think all of that is in the back of our mind and we wanna make sure that we are super present and available and always able to talk about feelings and all these things. And I think then we've oversaturated our teenagers and kids and it's a little bit much sometimes.
Candace Dellacona: I, I agree. I think what you just described is almost like an overcorrection, right? And so the hope is that, with experts like you guiding the way to help us find the happy medium. I think about my own childhood and I had good parents, my brother and I we grew up in the mountains of Pennsylvania and we were dropped off at the ski mountain to ski by ourselves and then we'd go to the payphone and call when we are ready to go home. And I think about that now where, we have apps and we have all, as you point out, this technology that allows us to know the minutiae of what our kids are doing that maybe we shouldn't know.
Co Parenting Differences
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Candace Dellacona: But, you brought up your husband and, one of the things that I have heard from other parents is, so you have the data. You, you have books like yours to help us guide the way. How do you best guide parents that aren't on the same page with these things within the same family unit?
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yes. I always love that question and that's something that I love working with parents who aren't on the same page, and the reason why is because I don't think they have to be necessarily.
Candace Dellacona: Oh, really?
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: right.
Candace Dellacona: Okay. Yeah.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: They need to maybe be in the same chapter, or maybe even in the same book, but you don't have to be on the same page. And the reason why I say that is because I think, no, I truly believe that kids and teens benefit from having parents and caregivers in their lives who are different from one another. So you have one parent who's super artistic, goes with the flow, doesn't really have a schedule, whatever, if they're late, whatever. And then you have one who's really type A, has a schedule for everything and is really, everything is a line item, a schedule, everything. Like I think it's important for kids to have exposure to different personalities.
Candace Dellacona: That's a great, it's a great point because I feel like what we hear on repeat is we gotta be on the same page, unified front. My husband and I, especially with punishments where we'd be like so what do you think? Is it a two week no going out, no phone, no tech? Or is this, am I overreacting? Thinking about always being in lockstep feels in some ways overwhelming because sometimes we're not in lockstep, often we're not.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Right. You don't have to be. You should be complimentary in the things that are non-negotiable, the things that truly matter you should be, and that varies based on your culture, your generation, the kids' age, all kinds of stuff, right? And so though there are some things that should be non-negotiable, but it's okay if that's a balance.
Everything in nature, in the weather, in our human body, in food, in everything requires balance. We can't have all or nothing because that homeostasis, that balance is what keeps things in check. So you know, you have too little rain and now you have a fire warning. You have too much rain, now you're in flood zone, right? Like you have to have sun and clouds. It's the same thing in parenting and I believe that it's okay if parents are different. I think it's actually beneficial for the home when you are very different.
Culture and Family Norms
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Candace Dellacona: Yeah, so you know that, that gets into the cultural issues. So you're a native of St. Croix, I think I read, and so coming from a place having been raised in the Caribbean with Caribbean parents or those of us who were raised by Irish immigrants or whatever the case may be, how much is that sort of factoring in or tripping us up as parents? Do you see from your perspective as a coach, like what sort of hurdles are we dealing with from our cultural perspective and when should we resist those cultural sort of urges that may not be best?
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yeah, that's such a great question. And 'cause it's so hard because so I was raised by a single mom, she was divorced, my parents divorced when I was three. I have two older siblings and she had a business of her own and she did a fabulous job raising us. However a lot of how I was raised, I still hold onto, 'cause there are parts of how I was raised that I really love and, but my kids are not being raised in the Caribbean, they're being raised in Texas and they are exposed to different things, things that they don't realize and it's even small things.
So like in the Caribbean on, on our island, whenever you enter a doctor's office, a room anywhere, and you see people that are there, you always greet them with a good morning, a good afternoon, or a good evening. Then they say it back. And so when I came to Buffalo for college which was a huge culture in weather shock.
Candace Dellacona: Buffalo? Upstate New York, Buffalo?
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yes. Upstate New York, Buffalo.
Candace Dellacona: Gosh, Dr. Lockhart. St. Croix to Buffalo? I can't believe you didn't get on the first plane out of there. No offense to our Buffalo listeners. I hear it's a lovely city, but it's cold.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: It is freezing. It's freezing. And the culture is so different. And so one of the things that I still haven't gotten used to, and I've been in the States for many, many decades now, is when people would say, hi, how are you? And then they would keep walking and I would start to respond. I was like, so what? Why are you asking me how I'm doing if you're not waiting to hear my answer? And my husband keeps telling me, he's like, well, 'cause they're only saying it because they're saying hi. I'm like, well, don't, don't ask me how I'm doing that if you're not going to wait for an answer.
Candace Dellacona: Fair point. Right. Fair point.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: So that's just a cultural difference. And I try to teach my kids don't walk into a room or a place and not say good morning. Like even coming downstairs, if you see us, say hello and good morning. And so that's.
Candace Dellacona: big fan of greetings myself. I agree with you.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yes. cause then it just feels rude and it's like, and it's just something that has been ingrained in me. And and so just something like that is very cultural. It's very familial, it's very generational. And we try to teach these to our kids and sometimes they don't latch onto it 'cause nobody else is really doing it. So culture really does impact a lot of how we operate and show up. And if you are raising your kids in a culture that's different than how you were raised, then a lot of that stuff isn't getting reinforced, and so then that could cause a lot of clash.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah. Yeah.
Teens and Social Media
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Candace Dellacona: And on certain topics that you've covered in the book, one that i'm particularly interested in, especially because of what's going on in the public discourse about it is teens and technology, specifically social media. You have countries like Australia banning the use of social media prior to age 16. I think some other countries are close to following suit. What is your best guidance for us as we as parents, are trying to like, avoid these landmines as it relates to social media and how do we, I don't know, advocate in the best way and add the parameters that make sense from, for our family perspective. And, from a cognitive perspective, you're the psychologist, so share with us your wisdom on this.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yeah, a absolutely. I think that one of the, when I do presentations and education on this and I really talk about what does the research say? What do, like the American Academy of Pediatrics what do the organizations that talk about how the brain develops, what do they say? And overall what's happening is too many kids are being introduced to screens too early, and that is triggering dopamine in their brain where they're seeking that stimulation, that fast pace. It's just it's entertaining to their brain and it's makes them not wanna do the things that actually can be more helpful. Really helping parents understand kids under two should not even be on screens. And between two and 18, the American Academy of Pediatrics says kids should not be on screens more than one to two hours a day, which is way, way less than what most kids are getting. It's more it's less than what my kids are getting every day.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: But, all screens are not equal either,
Candace Dellacona: Right, right. I was just gonna say, 'cause now tablets are handed out from the school.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yes. Which is problematic because what a lot of research is showing recently is this is the first generation that is underperforming the previous generation. Every generation in the history of time has always done better than the previous. This is the first generation that is not.
Candace Dellacona: Wow. That is, that's upsetting. I'm, yeah, I it's interesting. I just saw a study, I think yesterday. Or the day before, and the connection between actually writing cognitive ability even for older adults. So I would imagine it's having a similar effect on developing brain. Dr. Lockhart, what's the answer in terms of, what is right at every stage? When is the right time for them to get a smartphone?
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yeah. So we have to remember that things like fine motor development, it cannot be achieved by swiping on a tablet. It is achieved by writing with crayons and markers and pencils, right? So we have to understand that the old school way of learning and playing and interacting is still the best. However, we are in a digital age. And that is, it is here. It is here, and evolving very quickly. So when your kid is gonna be on a device, one of the best ways is to do it collaboratively. So you know, you're looking at memes together, or videos or shorts or whatever it is. Do that together. Do it on a big screen, share it on your phones together. Look at those things together.
But also, the other thing is to pay attention to having parent control apps where your devices control their devices. What they have access to, how much access they have, when their device wakes up, when it goes to sleep. Every kid teen should have that and where the parent is monitoring and managing that. So whether it's a tablet, a computer, or a phone, those things should be monitored. And with social media, although most social media or social platforms kids can get on at age 13. More and more of the research is pointing that it should be minimal, 15 at least, because their developing brains cannot handle a lot of the stuff that they're seeing. A lot of the stuff is not appropriate for them. And yes, some platforms are doing more things where you're, they're managing content and that kind of stuff, but you still cannot ensure that they're gonna see the things that they need to see for their age and stage.
So I, a lot of those things need to be practiced because kids are sneaky and they're gonna see things and they're gonna hide it.
Candace Dellacona: And they're generally better at technology than we are. And so it's tricky to monitor when they already have a leg up on how to use things. But I do think you're right. It's incumbent on us to set those parameters and to make the rules. I mean there are some great campaigns out there, one of which is Don't Press Send, and there are number of others that are helpful guides. What you point out again is the balance issue, right? Where you need sun, you need rain. And so you are not going to be able to prevent all of it. And all of it is going to be part of our daily lives as we grow into adulthood. And sheltering a hundred percent is never the right answer.
Ditch Perfectionism
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Candace Dellacona: And with that, one of the chapters you talk about, and we talk about a lot here on the Sandwich Generation Survival Guide, is letting go of perfection and finding beauty in the chaos. And I love that you actually address this issue because I think also as women, we try to, to your point, do better than our parents did before us. And so we're setting ourselves up to be disappointed in our own sort of mastery of parenting.
You know what do you say to the parents who, like me, and I'm sure like you were killing it in our careers or trying to, and then realizing, oh, this is chaos and it's not going so well. But how do you help parents let go of that perfection expectation?
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: I think perfection is such a dream stealer and confidence killer because it isn't possible. Like why are we aiming for something that isn't achievable? And it might be in some moments where you're like, oh, I got a perfect score, or I got, whatever it is that I, bestseller, whatever it is, but it's not sustainable. So even if we can achieve perfection in some areas, oh, I kept my house clean all week, whatever it is it's not sustainable. It will lead to burnout and resentment and contempt and stress and physical ailments. It's just not, it's just not sustainable. And so one of the things that I really talk to, I have, I see also adult clients. And a lot of them are feeling stuck where they have to always, I have to be there for my parents and I have to be there for my kids. And they're like, what about you? When are you there for you? They're like but I'm supposed to be doing this and I can't take a vacation 'cause my mom needs me and I can't really go on a girl's night because my daughter needs me to do this. And it's like this constant striving, I'm like, no, you need to stop. Boundaries and limitations around yourself is important and expressing that because you are going to burn yourself out and make yourself sick.
Candace Dellacona: It is so true.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: yeah, it's just not, it's not healthy.
Candace Dellacona: I love what you said too, that perfection doesn't have to be sustained. That we can have moments of perfection and we should celebrate those moments. And when it's not perfection, we should go easy on . Yeah. I mean.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: That's why like my kids, one of the things that they said that they really appreciate about me is that I don't expect them to be a straight A student. I don't expect them to always be knocking it out the park with every assignment and every grade. And so sometimes they'll bring home a grade and it's like, it really sucks. And they'll show it to me. And I was like, okay, what happened here? And oh, well, you know, I studied the wrong thing, or it was different than what I expected. Or the teacher was like, oh yeah, this was unfair, or whatever, or I didn't study enough. Whatever the reason, and we'll talk through it. And then I'm like, okay. So then you know to study better next time, or make sure you do a study group or do a Quizlet or whatever it is. And then they're like, look at me. And I'm like, what's up? And they're like, that's it. I'm like, yeah. And they're like, oh, okay. And they're like, because they have their friends who, they lose their phone because they fail the class or or whatever.
I'm like what's the point in that? If the phone is contributing to you not doing what you're supposed to do, then we talk about it. But I think that the whole point is we wanna make sure we're always building skills and developing good habits. And we can't do that if we're in this constant punishment mode of always taking things away that have nothing to do with the offense. Or we're making a big deal out of it than we should, rather than having a conversation. Because my kids, when they flunk something, they will readily tell me because they know I don't freak out about it.
Re Parenting Yourself
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Candace Dellacona: Yeah, I think that's great advice for not only how you parent, but how you talk to yourself, and you talk a lot in your book about reparenting yourself.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: yes.
Candace Dellacona: And I absolutely love that. I could like point to 10 issues that I regularly do differently because of the way that I was parented, as you point out, trying to heal yourself. So tell us a little bit, and thank you so much for spending this extra time, this topic is just, I could talk all day. So tell, just tell us a little bit about re-parenting.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yes. So re-parenting is this whole notion of being the parent to yourself that you wished you had.
Candace Dellacona: Hmm. Oh, I feel that.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Yeah, and it's this whole, I had this post once where it was like this image of an adult woman with this child inside of her, and she's just loving her, feeding her, speaking kindly to her. And that's, it's just saying, speaking differently, to showing up differently. And so one of the things that I, when I was marketing my book and talking about my book is. What really motivated me in writing this book, one of the things is although I had a really great relationship with my mom and I adore and love her, there was a time in my early teen years where I didn't feel like she was there for me the way I needed her to be.
She was going through her own stuff, but I didn't care. I was a selfish teenager who needed my mom to be there for me for the things that I was struggling with. So what happened was this outright rebellion that was in a way to punish her that wasn't conscious, but it was like, fine, if you don't, you can't be there for me, then screw you. I'm gonna, j I'm gonna hurt you. I'm not going to show up the way you need me to. And it, again, it was all, it wasn't done in a conscious awareness. It was something I realized much later.
And so when I find my kids being sneaky and not telling the truth, I'm very upfront with saying, Hey, my daughter snuck a phone call in the middle of the night one time and saying to her, here's the deal. I was the queen of sneak. I knew how to get away with stuff. I wasn't caught a lot of times. I don't need for us to have that kind of relationship. I wasn't able to talk to my mom about a lot of things. And we don't have that relationship and we don't need that to come here 'cause I'm here for you. So if you're struggling with something and if you need some more time on your phone or whatever it else is, just talk to me about it.
And that's part of the re-parenting process is showing up differently. Being a different person to your kid and a different person for yourself. 'cause then you feel good about yourself. Okay, I didn't freak out on my kid. 'cause when I caught her I was, okay, gimme your phone and we're gonna talk about this in the morning.
Because I knew if I had said anything in that moment, I would've been like losing my mind. But instead I took a breath, I took a beat and I said, we'll talk in the morning. And so being able to show up differently. The re-parenting process is parenting your kids in the way that you wished you were parent parented. Then also being kind to yourself that I'm not a sucky parent because my kid lied or they flunked something or they're more, they're shy, more shy than I wish they would be. Like, that's not, that's being kind to yourself and speaking kind words to yourself.
Candace Dellacona: Yeah.
Closing and Book Plug
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Candace Dellacona: I love that and that's probably the perfect place to end this episode in surviving the sandwich generation and being kind to ourselves and allowing ourselves the grace that hopefully we're giving to our teens. Dr. Lockhart, I cannot thank you enough for spending so much time with me today and really for your book.
For those of you who need the guidance, and believe me, we all do. Dr. Lockhart's book is available. Love the Teen You Have: A Practical Guide to Transforming Conflict Into Connection. Get it today. You will not be disappointed. Thank you so much, Dr. Lockhart.
Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart: Thanks for having me, Candace.
Candace Dellacona: My pleasure.
Podcast Outro
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Candace Dellacona: Hey, survivors. Be sure to follow and subscribe to The Sandwich Generation Survival Guide wherever you get your podcasts so you never miss an episode. We're back with new conversations on the first and third Tuesdays of every month. If you're finding value in the show, I'd be grateful if you left a five-star review and shared it with other survivors navigating this season of life known as the sandwich generation.
For resources and a full library of past episodes, visit sandwichgenerationlaw.com. Follow the conversation on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok @sandwichgenerationpodcast. Until next time, take care of yourself while surviving and hopefully thriving in the sandwich generation
